1. United States
2. Calif.
3. Letter

Allow me a moment to conjure the ghosts of Special Counsel Kenneth Starr’s 1990s extravaganza—where a nation spent 18 months and more than $6 million investigating a certain Oval Office dalliance—because it left America with a burning question: Why pour truckloads of cash into investigating clandestine romance when we could do the same for potentially clandestine financial schemes? Sure, the headlines back then were big, bold, and occasionally embroidered (pun intended). But let’s be honest: insider trading allegations, market manipulation, and questionable stock tweets could provide a spectacle just as riveting—minus the DNA evidence on a blue dress. Imagine the endless flow of subpoenaed spreadsheets, cryptic text messages, and the analysis of suspiciously timed trades. Investigators would be pouring over receipts like a rabid couponer at the grocery store, double-checking every last discount. We all watched Kenneth Starr become a household name by dissecting after-hours presidential interactions. Now picture an equally tenacious, star-studded (Starr-studded?) operation aimed at any insider trading that might’ve taken place under the Trump administration. Instead of pivoting on prurient details, this new saga would revolve around broker statements, margin calls, and those momentary Twitter meltdowns that either torpedo or catapult the market. Think of the educational value alone! If we can devote limitless resources to investigating a messy affair, the public might actually enjoy—and benefit from—a blow-by-blow unraveling of financial hijinks. We could even throw in dramatic visuals: color-coded line charts showing stock prices spiking at suspicious hours. Congressional hearing re-enactments. Maybe an all-star cameo from Kenneth Starr himself, providing a cameo and notes on technique. So, Honorable Attorney General, let’s give this story the star billing it deserves. Investigate with zeal. Haul out the accountants and experts. Let them rummage through every shell corporation like it’s a Black Friday sale on secrets. Because if we spent years deciphering, well, adult matters, we surely have the bandwidth to follow the money—every last suspicious penny. Respectfully, we’re all craving that next big sequel in the saga of American investigations, and you have the power to deliver. No confetti cannons or explicit footnotes required. Let the spreadsheets and subpoenas speak for themselves.