1. United States
2. Letter

The New York Times says inside sources claim you’ve been considering awarding yourself the Medal of Honor… a medal meant for the bravest of the brave- men and women who have worn military uniforms unironically and served their nation with pride and respect. Your draft dodging, bone spur diagnostic buying, cognitively challenged carcass should not be allowed in the same room as that medal, let alone allowed to wear it. You’re not brave. You’re not intelligent. You’re not humane. Some days I think you’re not human. If you really need an award, join a sport. Participation trophies are just as pretty as the real ones, and you can’t read the plaques through a television screen.