1. United States
2. Ky.
3. Letter

ADIOS MITCH!! Well, well, well—if it isn’t the Grim Reaper of the Senate finally shuffling off into the abyss, shell cracked, soul long since pawned off for one last round of tax cuts and judicial hijackings. Mitch McConnell has finally decided to retire. It’s been quite a run, Mitch. Five decades of sucking the life force out of democracy like some kind of turtle-faced Nosferatu, leeching every last drop of decency from the American political system until all that remained was a gangrenous husk of partisan hackery and corporate handouts. And yet, somehow, you became the most powerful man in Washington. A political crypt keeper, embalming progress, cackling over the filibuster. Your greatest achievement? Turning the Senate into a nursing home for bad ideas, where legislation goes to die and decency is left to rot in the hallway like an unclaimed corpse. But now you’ve decided to hang up your cloak and scythe. And not a moment too soon. You’ll be lucky if you make it to 2026 without turning into a cautionary tale about why we shouldn’t let octogenarians run the country. But let’s talk about your legacy, Mitch, because that’s what really matters. What will history say about you? History will remember you as the smirking, soulless little gremlin who sold the country down the river one judicial appointment at a time. You thought you were playing four-dimensional chess, but in the end, you were just a pawn in Donald Trump’s undersized, greasy hands—a miserable little footnote in the great tragedy of American democracy. You could have stopped Trump. You could have buried him after January 6, when you had the chance. But instead, you did what you do best—nothing. You let the orange buffoon off the hook, muttering something about "criminal justice" handling him later, as if the court system you rigged in his favor was ever going to hold him accountable. And now look at you: retiring in disgrace while Trump rides high, surrounded by bootlickers and lunatics, reshaping the GOP into something so grotesque even Richard Nixon would be clawing at the lid of his coffin trying to escape. You spent your whole life consolidating power, only to end up a broken-down, malfunctioning fossil, mumbling your way through press conferences while Trump calls you “Old Crow” and mocks your wife with racist slurs. That’s the best part, Mitch: he never even respected you. You did everything for him, debased yourself, torched every bridge to reality, and he still treated you like a dented can of expired soup taking up space in his cupboard. Because here’s the thing, Mitch—history doesn’t care about "legislative genius" or "tactical brilliance" when it comes at the cost of the country. So, farewell, Mitch. May your retirement be humiliating and filled with reminders that despite all your efforts, your greatest achievement was being the guy who enabled Trump, only to be discarded like a used napkin.