1. United States
2. Iowa
3. Letter

An Open Letter to My Republican Legislators: Please Submit Your Bids A satire As one of your constituents, I am writing to inform you that my vote is now on the open market, effective immediately, and I expect the same professional courtesy your President has already extended to the rest of the country. I understand the going rate for a Republican vote this cycle is $5,000, pending congressional approval, pending an act of God, and pending whatever "dividend" turns out to mean once the invoices come due. I respect the transparency. Say what you will about being bribed — at least it's itemized. So: since your party has already set the market rate, I'd like each of you to submit a competitive bid for my continued support. I accept counteroffers. I am open to installment plans. I will consider non-cash incentives — pothole repair, one (1) functioning post office, eye contact during a town hall — strictly as tie-breakers. Payment Terms. Per my accountant, my financial advisor, and my growing suspicion that the dollar is being run like a convention raffle, I'll be accepting payment in Krugerrands or other gold or silver specie only, spot price, delivered in a Brinks truck, no substitutions. I will also require a notarized guarantee that this "dividend" will not later reappear on my taxes wearing a mustache. I did not agree to a loan. I agreed to a bribe. Please respect the terminology. A few notes for bidders: Please clarify whether my vote is a one-time purchase or a subscription. I need to know if this auto-renews. If your offer is contingent on "the economy doing great, trust me," that will need to be notarized separately from the mustache guarantee. Some of you are already drafting the enabling legislation before the election has even happened. Impressive turnaround time. Please redirect that energy toward literally anything else. Venmo requests will be taken exactly as seriously as the original offer. I am not cynical. I am adapting. Your party built this system; I am simply the first constituent polite enough to ask for a receipt. Bids open until further notice. No lowballing — I've seen what your President is offering. Sincerely, A Constituent, Currently Undecided (For a Price) This letter is satire. It references real reporting that President Trump pledged a $5,000 "Trump Dividend" if Republicans keep control of Congress in the 2026 midterms — a pledge widely described by commentators and legal experts as resembling a bribe for votes.