Stop the war with Iran

Delivered by a Very Concerned Citizen Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today not to mourn a person, but a principle—nay, a pillar—of democratic civilization: the Rule of Law and its quiet companion, Due Process. Both passed away tragically, if not unexpectedly, during the ongoing saga known as “The Trump Years: Extended Cut.” They fought valiantly. Due Process held on with hopeful optimism, clutching her copy of the Constitution and whispering “innocent until proven guilty” like a prayer. Rule of Law, stoic as ever, stood his ground even as he was shoved aside in favor of executive tweets, unqualified cronies, and legal theories seemingly scribbled on cocktail napkins at Mar-a-Lago. They lived full lives. Due Process once made appearances in quaint places like courtrooms, where both sides were heard. Rule of Law? Why, he walked beside Lincoln, he soared with Roosevelt, and even Nixon didn’t quite kill him off—though he certainly gave it the ol’ executive try. But then came the end. Rule of Law died of repeated blunt-force trauma: obstruction, indictments ignored, contempt of court treated like a badge of honor, and presidential immunity stretched so thin it became a legal version of saran wrap. Due Process, dear soul, was last seen being dragged from the courtroom by pundits shouting “witch hunt!” and “deep state!” as evidence was declared irrelevant and trials trialed only on Truth Social. And let us not forget the assault by the ever-creative legal team—ranging from disbarred lawyers to part-time TV personalities—whose defense strategies included, “He didn’t do it,” “Okay, he did it but it wasn’t illegal,” and the ever-popular, “Even if it was, can a president really break the law?” They leave behind a nation confused, a judiciary strained, and a Constitution nervously chain-smoking in a corner. In lieu of flowers, the deceased ask that you consider voting. Or, failing that, rereading the Federalist Papers—though warning: they now qualify as speculative fiction. Rest in peace, Rule of Law and Due Process. You were too principled for this world, and way too inconvenient for an era where reality is negotiable and accountability is “just a liberal thing.” Write